This Constant Battle

As I walk down the path of life, I am beginning to see that life is a constant struggle against sin, despair, worry, discouragement, etc. There are days when, by God’s grace alone, I am victorious over my sins and then there are days when I look away from Christ, ignore His help, and fall flat on my face with quite the resounding thud of failure. As I grow older and mature—or so I hope I am—in my walk with the Lord, I begin to feel the tension and battle between the flesh and the spirit more and more. The days I listen to the Holy Spirit within me are the days that I find joy, peace, and contentment; the days I listen to my flesh and revert back to the ways in which I walked before salvation, on the other hand, are the days that I find only despair, disappointment, and anxiety. This struggle poignantly reminds me of the war that Paul talks about in Romans 7:15-25. Praise God that Jesus Christ will deliver us “from this body of death” (verse 25)!!

I have always been a worrier or a wonderer (and yes, I know this is not a word); I am always planning ahead and looking forward to the “next event.” While this quality can be a good thing, I have seen that it causes me to neglect living in the moment and focusing on what God has for me here and now. This summer has been very much a redirecting and refocusing of my way of thinking. As I have been worrying and wondering what the future holds for me, I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I need to live every moment of my life in full dependence on God. As I worry and wonder, I find that the only thing I can do it offer these things up to the Lord; all I can do is give them back to Him, trust Him with them, and move on in faith and obedience. Some days I do better than others; some hours I do better than others; it even boils down to the fact that there are some moments that I do better than others. I feel like I am living my summer days down to each agonizing minute at times; there are many days when my mind is in constant turmoil. It is almost like there is an argument going on in my head with little Katherines inside. One asks, “Will I give this thing to God and trust Him with it?” One pipes up with a determined, “Yes, it is the only thing I can do!” One shouts, “Squirrel!” and gets easily distracted while another defiantly says, “No, I can keep mulling it over in my mind; thinking about it will help me solve this problem by myself!” Still another dejectedly says, “God can’t do anything; nobody can do anything; the situation is hopeless!! We’re never going to know how this situation turns out!! Whahhhhh!!!” (That is sometimes how I literally feel although I know that it is ridiculous! =] ) I have to remind myself of Philippians 4:4-8. I must rejoice in all things; I must not worry about anything; I must pray and tell God my worries, fears, and desires; and most importantly I must think true thoughts; I cannot dwell on the “could have been’s,” “might have been’s,” “could be’s,” and the “might possibly happen’s.” I can only dwell on the things I know to be true and sometimes, at this point, sometimes the only thing I know to be absolutely true is that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever; that He loves me and died to save me from my sins; that He has forgiven me; and that He wants HIS best possible plan for my life. They are times like this when I see the reality of 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 being made clear to me. I have pleaded, as Paul did, that the Lord would remove these worries from my mind, but they do not go away. The Lord tells me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am truly a weak vessel, but I am coming more and more to see the truth that God and His grace is sufficient for me!!

There have been many times this past summer and even this past semester at school, when I have become discouraged with the struggle of constantly giving up everything to God. When I see no improvement in myself I can become very discouraged and sometimes I wonder if the struggle is worth the effort. There are times when I feel like I do not have the strength to go on. It is during these times when verses like Isaiah 40:27-31 and Lamentations 3:22-23 are so incredibly comforting to me! Isaiah 40:27-31 says, “Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God’? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be wear; they shall walk and not faint.” My struggles and worries are not too small that my God does not care about or notice them. He will give me strength to make it through those tough moments of doubt, despair, and exhaustion. Isaiah even says that He will not just give us enough strength to crawl across the finish line of life, but we will be strengthened enough to fly to the heights of eagles and to run the rest of the race with renewed endurance. Lamentations is the other verse I mentioned; it says, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” I love this!!! It is so awesome! There have been mornings when I wake up and my worries and wonderings are the first things that pop into mind causing me to dread the day and to want to stay in bed; but when I remember this verse it gives me confidence and strength to face the day. God gives me renewed mercy each and every morning to make it through my day! Praise Him for that!! =]

As I was flipping through my Bible and sifting through my thoughts earlier I came across some verses that gave me a lot of hope and were very encouraging. Praise God for His timeliness and His Word being living and active and useful for all situations! The first verse I came across was 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 which says, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” There are times when I feel like I am wasting away with worry, but it is comforting to be reminded that there is more to life than this earth: there is eternity with God!!! This reminds me of a poem I have written in the back of my Bible; it says, “If life be long, I will be glad, that I may long obey; if short – then why should I be sad to soar to endless days?” I love this because it is so true! We can put up with obedience here on earth not matter the cost because we know that we will be rewarded and at rest one day in Heaven. The other verse that encouraged me is also from 2 Corinthians but in chapter 10 verses 3-5, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every though captive to obey Christ.” I am thankful that we can have confident victory in Christ and that He gives us the power to win and conquer our sins.

So although I know that there will still be many days ahead that I will continue to fight this constant battle of offering God my material for sacrifice, I can be confident that He will and has already given me strength, mercy, and the weapons to combat my fear, anxiety, worries, and wonderings. Praise God for His great faithfulness! Praise God that He is causing me to live in the moment and to be dependent upon Him down to the smallest details of my life!!